Monday, January 01, 2001

- It seemed like everything happened double in my life.- If my mother wasn't difficult enough to handle. "The bible says this, Jehovah says that." My grandmother was double my mother. Actually my grandmother was double my mother in almost every sense of the word. She was literally double her size, she was two times as loud, double cautious, double the sternness, double as funny, and double as religious. My grandmother didn't allow any of her grands to call her grand- anything, we had to call her mommom. She was quite the character. Large as she was, she was missing all her front teeth except for one, and was going bald. She didn't mind any of it either. She was a self proclaimed fat girl, she smiled so large you could see all of her gums and her one tooth, and she didn't wear any wigs. She was also convinced that with in the organization she had found the truth. And this was the ironic part, the same truth that had set her free, made me feel so bound and controlled. How had she found the truth in something that did not make any sense to me? Something that I had pretty much scientifically proven impossible to myself. Well this is exactly what her goal was when she conducted her bible study with me. With all her might, she was sure to get through to me. To make me understand her conviction, to get her truth.
Today's study was about the 144,000. They were the one's the Witnesses thought would be going to heaven, to reign with Christ. These studies were harder than attending meetings. I didn't have the same amount of freedom. I couldn't let my mind roam like I could when the Brothers were giving talks. Mommom made sure to stay on top of me. And though I don't mean this literally, it was still a great load. Reading passages from the Organization's publication, following with exerpts from the bible, then asking me questions. She taught me, sounding like a preacher, the southern soul on her voice and all I could think about the annointed was that: I knew 144,000 other things I could be doing right now. 144,000 other people who claimed to be found- and that I was sure haden't. 144,000 reasons not to believe. And 144,000 not to want to . Please go try and talk to Chinchin, maybe then you'll have better luck. Because right now I have 144,000 reasons not to give a fuck. But of course none of that comes out of my mouth, I open my bible and begin to read.

She smiles.

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